Neglected You...Sorry

A tall sip of the truth serum

Frankly, I can’t recall the last time I posted on here, not to say I don’t have appreciation for all of the support and connections I’ve made, but I guess I’ve been in my head. There are many reasons for this, admittedly negative habits that I’d like to already be rid of, but they accompany me as friends in some ways that I refuse to see past, but that’s me living in my own delusions. Like many, I want more. I wait impatiently and demand the Universe for experiences I’ve yet to taste. I believe I can be unkind to it sometimes (coming from the vegan, yogi Earth lover). I may sound like a major hypocrite, but that’s exactly what I am.

Like smoking, we commit actions that feel good and bring us momentary pleasure in the now, but a few sleeps further and you realise what you did then was futile, pointless and aimlessly not okay. Not okay for me, not okay for you – well, it might be for you, but I’m different. You're not a monster or anything, but sometimes one can feel like that. Certain dreams that reflect betrayal, running away, hiding from and being hurt constantly play like a trap, luring you into a life of failure and regression.

Luke-warm days

Life isn’t always sunny side down; it can be good sometimes, although my ‘good’ is desperately different from your definition of a good day, a good week, a good childhood, and so on. It may sound weird, but I experienced ‘a good’ when I was waiting in a shop for chips to be made, and as I glanced up at this double-decker bus, there was an aged man sitting at the top row at the back of the bus, smiling through the window, having noticed me waiting for my chips. I smiled and waved back; it felt good.

Truly I believe it's these inexplicable small things, the reciprocity of kind, inaudible behaviours that warm the soul. Like this Large White, Pieris I met yesterday. We must find ways of multiplying such encounters while averting the unnatural epidemic of our children isolating themselves to make money at home online, vaping, consuming energy drinks, and whatever else they do to imitate toxic cultural icons that teach them how to have an inflated perspective on their body image, leading to unrealistic beauty or perfection standards that toy with self-esteem valued by materialist products that are linked in bio. Go check them out! Hehe. Just kidding, but I do create crochet designs that I would be happy to deliver/ship out (if anyone teaches me such sorcery) on my Shopify page…right here.

Human machine dynamics

Something I will never understand is the dynamics between females, in particular female friendships, which is probably why I don’t connect with many females as I once did. As of now they don’t serve me much interest, which just seems crazy considering I am one, but I guess I’m just waiting for the right one to come along. Maybe I’ll find one foraging in the woods!

There was this one girl I met at the nail salon a couple of months ago; she had an unusual name that I’d never heard of before, ‘Amanta’. She was seated next to me as we exchanged glances containing our explosive laughter when the nail technicians were shouting across us in their own language. I think she was studying law, which made for an interesting and stimulating conversation when I had revealed I study journalism and that my favourite and most exciting lectures were about the ethics of law in journalism. She was amused and very pretty, I might add. Although I don’t know where it went wrong, you see, I gave her my crochet business card, and I heard no response from her. Things like this would happen frequently, so I have detached myself from wanting what everyone dreams of, which is having a friend so close you could call her a sister.

Speaking of sisters, I feel as though I have none. My older sister is mentally unstable, and my closest sister has retracted all formal communication with me. Maybe I can be a bit of an untrustworthy brat sometimes, but does that really justify cutting someone off? I guess when both of you want what’s best for everyone, there can be a bit of a pull-and-push dynamic where control gets lost and someone has got to be steering the ship or we’ll all die!! Luckily, I’m not afraid of dying, certainly not after what cycling on the road has been teaching me. Hmm, let's see. I’ve nearly been involved in three car-bike crashes, and I have nearly deprived two people of life: an elderly man exiting the bus on a bike lane and a small child (looked like a toddler) who was yet again in the bike lane. In my defence, his mother or guardian was not holding his hand.

Mirroring illusion

the vest was £1.50, a proud find!

I met this guy a week ago who, after speaking with him for a couple of hours, completely saw through my facade. He revealed how much he respected me while also showing disappointment by my lack of drive and how I expect things to kind of show up at my doorstep (I don’t remember how he phrased it; I just remember feeling cognitively naked). I’ve had people commenting on how ambitious they think I am, which, by the way, does nothing for me considering my apt communication skills, but to be called out by someone who doesn’t know you is a completely different feeling. It’s almost like he was holding a mirror to his face, and I was the person speaking; yeah, it was freaky like that. I may try and keep him as a friend, as he knew all the references of Arabic songs that I like. It’s quite a romantic language.

Cold feet

So I was forced by my lack of iPhone storage to buy a new iPhone. It's not a super brand new one like the iPhone 30 XPR or whatever they are coming out with; I cannot keep track. It’s an iPhone 12 Pro Max? I have no idea; it's enormous, though. I feel sympathy for students in education who are having to compete for the social status of what edition of phone they have. I remember my old Samsung; oh, how I miss it and wish the best for it, wherever it may be. I gave it to an old boyfriend at the time after he broke his phone, and his parents were not buying him a new one, partially my fault, I think, as I have a vivid memory of him destroying one of his iPhones arguing with me on the street. An argument externalised by his own insecurities, as I would never upset someone whom I idolised. Anyways, my iPhone journey began after multiple agonising dreams of waking up to a fresh iPhone and feeling ‘normal’. How I wish I could shake my teen self into realising being different and content is what brings me power. Don’t change for anyone, kids, even society! Ooh also, the guy that sold me my new phone was deaf, I shared with him the minimal sign language I know which is holding your hands together in a certain way that indicates ‘friends’. He showed me this:

Keeping me sane:

Currently, I’m enjoying peppermint tea and nude nail polish (not ingested at the same time) as well as the series Botched; there’s something inspiring and demystifying in watching good reconstructive surgery. Though I have been lacking posting regularly (which makes me feel self-resentful), I have been journaling, which feels similar to sharing my thoughts on here, with you, but not exactly the same. So I hope to be better, whole again.

I have an idea to write about an ongoing issue I’ve been personally dealing with regarding skin care, health etc. If this is something you’d be curious in please demonstrate your interest below: